I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
