i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
