I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
