You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
