In the future we'll all be gay
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
