I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
