Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
