We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize