Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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