yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Randomize
