from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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