Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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