Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I need a beard to bite.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
