Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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