Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
