my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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