the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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