ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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