The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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