Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
