i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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