so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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