Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
