I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
