Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
