We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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