i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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