In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Randomize
