What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
