Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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