Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
