I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
