He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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