i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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