He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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