Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize