I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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