my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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