I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
3pm strippers are depressing
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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