I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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