I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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