I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
