I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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