Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
