i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
