3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
