I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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