The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
