there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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