just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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