God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize