She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
