I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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