having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize