cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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