i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
