Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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