sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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