You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
dude. I can hear the air.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
