I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
