just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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