New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
