Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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