i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
