The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
